Are you scared God will say no?

I realized something tonight that I didn't know about myself.  If someone had asked me earlier today about something I had been praying, I would have answered, "Whatever God wills".  But I've realized something that comment has become in my life.  It's become a phrase that really means, "I'm setting myself up in expectation to hear a no and this gives me an out to not ask the question is God good."  I realize that the statement in and of itself is a good statement.  When we pray we should truly be asking for God's will in the situation.  But it came as a surprise in the midst of a conversation with a dear friend that I realized what it had become to me.  I've gotten to a point in my walk where I have heard so many no's or not now's from the Lord that I had begun to pray with the qualifier "but, whatever You will Lord".  I wasn't using it the way it was intended, it had become a "You're going to say no or not now anyway, so I'll place this here so I don't have to question your goodness".  I'm still processing all of this in my head and my heart, but I'm realizing that my prayer life has become dry and bland because I have not prayed with expectation.  Well, I've prayed with expectation, but it was an expectation that God would probably say no.  I'm such a brat!  God has given me so much and so many blessings and yet, I pout and don't expect great things when I pray for specifics in my life.  I expect great things for others, but not for my own walk. 

God is our Father who loves us and desires good things for us! (Thank you for the Psalm 103 reminder tonight Christine!)  He's not a God who sits on His throne and hands out no's all day, laughing.  He is a God who loves and many times is just waiting for us to ask Him for something.  He delights in our prayers.  He wants us to talk to Him, He wants to bless us and show us how incredible He truly is.  He wants us to pray with expectation.  And if He doesn't answer the exact way we ask, He will answer with something better (whether it looks better at the time or not).  My Father loves me and He has called me to step out in boldness with my prayers.  As I was praying about this fear and confessing it, I felt somewhat of a dare.  Now, God isn't one who stands in heaven and taunts us "I dare you to pray to me!"  But, at this point I felt like God was smiling and saying, "Emily, I dare you to pray big.  I double dog dare you to see what I will do with something you see as a huge prayer.  Watch me take it and make it beyond anything you could have imagined."  So, I have.  I've asked Him to move in one of two ways in my life in the next month.  And I'm trusting and waiting expectantly for Him to work.  This is a new way of praying for me.  I didn't end this prayer with "but, Your will be done".  Not because that sentiment is not at the heart of my prayers, but because of what the phrase has become to me.  I plan to keep that phrase out of my prayers until I have reconciled my heart to the Lord where I can truly say them with the true intent that they are meant to have.  I have a feeling that won't be long.  Until then, I will dream big, pray big and expect God to do big things.  I can't wait to see how He totally blows my imagination out of the water. :o)

He's not what He used to be to me.....

As I read today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest (posted at the end of my ramblings), I honestly have to say that I just sort of skated through it.  For some reason I just wasn't connecting today (woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as the saying goes).  But when I got to the end, for some reason, a single phrase stuck out.  "As I recall what God remembers about me, I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me."  And I began to think, is He still what He used to be to me? Do I still love Him they way I used to?  Do I still desire to spend time with Him the way I have in the past?  And I realize that recently I've come up short on this.  With everyone else that is happening in my life, I've allowed my first love to slip....and that hurts.  The best part though was the next sentence, "When this happens, I should allow the shame and humiliation it creates in my life, because it will bring godly sorrow, and "godly sorrow produces repentance . . ." (2 Corinthians 7:10)."  Godly sorrow and repentance.... those go together.  The sorrow is followed by repentance. I found my heart heavy, but the hope of Christ's forgiveness and love in spite of my decisions was SO comforting!  He knows that I will mess up, but He's still there, waiting for me to wake up and remember what He remembers about me.  Comforting thought. :o)

Am I as spontaneously kind to God as I used to be, or am I only expecting God to be kind to me? Does everything in my life fill His heart with gladness, or do I constantly complain because things don’t seem to be going my way? A person who has forgotten what God treasures will not be filled with joy. It is wonderful to remember that Jesus Christ has needs which we can meet— "Give Me a drink" (John 4:7). How much kindness have I shown Him in the past week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation?
God is saying to His people, "You are not in love with Me now, but I remember a time when you were." He says, "I remember . . . the love of your betrothal . . ." (Jeremiah 2:2). Am I as filled to overflowing with love for Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning, when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? Does He ever find me pondering the time when I cared only for Him? Is that where I am now, or have I chosen man’s wisdom over true love for Him? Am I so in love with Him that I take no thought for where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him?
As I recall what God remembers about me, I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me. When this happens, I should allow the shame and humiliation it creates in my life, because it will bring godly sorrow, and "godly sorrow produces repentance . . ." (2 Corinthians 7:10).

How Deep the Father's Love for Us...

In the midst of a rather boring day (I'm SO over being sick!), I was brought to the incredibly comforting and yet convicting words of this song.  I'm reminded of the beautiful love our heavenly Father has for us in that He would give His only Son, to die on a cross for us and pay the price of sin for us.  "His wounds have paid my ransom".  "Why should I gain from His reward?"  What have I done to deserve this?  Absolutely nothing, I've done the exact opposite.  I daily continue to do things that make me less and less worthy of His reward.  But, in the great love that the Father has for us, He chose to make a way, in spite of my sin. 

I Surrender All...

It's funny how life can take random turns sometimes.  Random in my eyes, but not in God's.  They're planned turns in His eyes.  Over the last couple of months, since my birthday, God has been doing some "growing up" work in my heart.  He's brought me, once again, full circle and I again stand amazed in His presence.  He is such an incredible God! 

There are many things that happened over the holidays that were huge blessings in my life, but the most recent blessings have happened over the last two days.  I was blessed to help out at the Life Impact conference and be surrounded by some incredible giants of the faith.  I was SO encouraged!  I found myself, once again, missing full-time ministry.  During one of the sessions, I watched as student after student stood showing the extent of the impact God has had on lives by one man who surrendered his life completely to our Father.  I was challenged to discipleship and had my heart broken for the lost in a way that I haven't experienced in awhile.  And I had an incredibly encouraging chat with a man named Fred.  In the span of a 15 minute conversation, this man quoted 25-30 verses completely from memory.  What a testimony!  He told me he would be praying that I would find a Godly man to marry (inserted a couple of verses here) and that he would love me second only to Christ (inserted a few more verses) and reminded me of the incredible love God has for me (more verses). :o)  I was blown away by the knowledge of scripture this man had committed to memory!  And the blessing I received from it!  Fred has a true love for people that is evident on his face when he's speaking with you.  I want Christ's light to shine through me like that.

Many emotions, thoughts and questions have gone through my head and my heart this weekend.  So many that I don't think I could write them all down here, even if I wanted to.  I was faced with a heartache I didn't think I could handle in person again and found God's peace, mercy and love on the other side.  I had desires renewed in my heart and others laid to rest, some very neatly and others rather painfully, but less painfully than I thought they would be.  As I walk into my 30's, my heart and life are a complete open canvas.  I'm ready for something that God has been preparing me for all through my 20s.  Now I wait in humble expectation.  I surrender all...