Love it when God reminds me!

I was beautifully reminded of God's love for us tonight in looking at the life of a young lady I know.  In the midst of some very deep heartache, when she could very easily turn inward and has every "right" to be upset, she instead turns to the Lord.  Her first thought is "Lord, how can I bring you glory in this?"  While I may be her elder age wise, she taught me an incredibly invaluable lesson tonight.  God loves us.  Yes, that's a lesson I know and have known for years.  But God has been opening new facets to that "simple" statement recently.  And another one of those facets was portrayed to me tonight.  Ah the beauty of a life submitted to Christ!  In the midst of my time with the Lord tonight, the following song came up and I don't think I could find a more appropriate song for this "simple" moment being reminded of a "simple" statement.  More love to Thee my Lord!

More love to Thee, O Christ

More love to Thee

Hear Thou the prayer I make

On bended knee

This is my earnest plea

More love, O Christ, to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

Once earthly joy I craved

Sought peace and rest

Now, thee, alone I see

Give what is best

This all my prayer shall be

More love, O Christ, to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

Then shall my latest breath

Whisper Thy praise

This be the parting cry

My heart shall raise

Still all my prayer shall be

More love, O Christ, to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

More love to Thee, more love to Thee

Waiting Room

A friend of mine posted this song on her Facebook page today and I can't believe how well it captures where my heart is right now!  For those of you who know me well, you know that my heart is captured by what God is doing around the world.  But every time I've tried to go back overseas, He has chosen to close that door.  I don't understand it, but Jonny Diaz captures my feelings perfectly in his song "Waiting Room".  Look it up to hear it (I'll be linking it on my Facebook page too).  But here are the words:

Here in this waiting room

Yearning for You to say go

And thought I'm convinced that a yes would be best

This time You're telling me no

It's not that I don't have an answer

It's just not the one that I'd like

But through this time Lord I must keep in mind

You're always wiser than I

'Cause You have a much better purpose

And You have a far greater plan

And You have a bigger perspective

'Cause You hold this world in your hands

The things that I seek are from You

Like the strong healing touch of Your hand

But when You say no, help me trust even though

There's a reason I can't understand

'Cause You have a much better purpose

And You have a far greater plan

And You have a bigger perspective

'Cause You hold this world in Your hands

When that miracle comes 'cause Your answer is yes

I will praise You for all of my days

But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best

I will praise You just the same

You have a much better purpose

And You have a far greater plan

And You have a bigger perspective

'Cause You hold this world in Your hands

You hold this world in Your hands

You know, I don't like hearing no from God.  Especially when I'm asking Him for something that's "good".  "Lord, don't you want me to go overseas and share your love with others?"  But then I look at who I am now, who I was 2 years ago, and who I hope to be in 2 more years and I realize where I've come from and where I'm going.  The "No" answer from the Lord has been a blessing for the last 3 years since I applied to go back overseas.  And even in the midst of the last couple of months where He has once again told me to stay, if I squint hard enough, tilt my head just right and stick out my tongue just the right length, I can catch a glimpse of what He might end up doing in my life here.  I'm learning to trust Him all over again.  And while it's hard, it's beautiful too.  Thank you Lord that you have a "much bigger perspective"!!!

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

The Fellowship of the Unashamed  

I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed."
The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line.
The decision has been made. I am a disciple of
Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down,
back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present
makes sense, and my future is secure.
I am finished and done with low living, sight walking,
small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams,
chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position,
promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I now live by
presence, lean by faith, love by patience,
lift by prayer, and labor by power. My pace
is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my
road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few,
my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought,
compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back,
diluted, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the
presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy,
ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander
in the maze of mediocrity.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until
Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know,
and work until He comes. And when He comes to get
His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.
My colors will be clear.

I am not ashamed of the gospel . . . Romans 1:16

Map Quest - Looking for God's Will

Sometimes God teaches us something when we least expect it.  OK, usually God teaches us something when we least expect it. :o)  Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine and as she was sharing what was going on in her life, I heard my heart from about 8 years ago speaking to me through her.  I saw her struggling through some of the same things I had spent days and weeks agonizing over.  And as I listened I was reminded again that God takes all things and makes them good.  He was giving me a glimpse of that here.  I was able to share in her struggle and know exactly where she was coming from and encourage her that God would walk her through this whole thing.  Even when He seems to not be speaking very clearly.  What I wish now, however, is that I had read the following before talking with her.  The authors of this article took what I have been wrestling with now for 17 some odd years (every since I began asking the question "What is God's will for my life?") and made it click.  This is what I wish I could have shared with my sister tonight.  This is what it means to "find God's will".  It's a little lengthy (and I only included a few paragraphs!) but oh so worth it!  God is such a great God!  So, I'll be sharing this posting with my friend, but I pray it will impact others in the same way it impacted me.  Food for thought.

"When it comes to God's will, many of us want the GPS version of God, hopefully with a turn-by-turn British-American voice prompting us at every intersection.  Sometimes God gives people very specific instructions, mapping out what they are to do in detail, but this is rare.  The world, however, is a map factory.  It continually bombards us with plans for success, agendas both personal and political and road signs that read "happiness just ahead."  Most maps lead toward personal gratification and status or just loop back to the status-quo.

A map is very appealing to a person looking for direction.  But the map is an easy way out.  It appeals to the lazy.  God gives people direction more than directions.  He will not rob you of the faith-building experience of obeying Him based on what He says, not on what you see.  We cannot expect to get all the detailed instructions before we are willing to begin traveling the path.  The Bible doesn't lay out a "map." It gives us a "compass."  God calls you to join Him in journeying in a steady direction toward a grand global destiny.  He is calling us to follow a compass and to evaluate any maps that come our way by His over-arching purpose.

The most limiting thing about maps is that they only give you already-charted territory.  They can only take you as far as someone else has been.  Mapped-out life plans don't push you to pioneer and explore what hasn't ever been done.  If you keep following the compass Jesus gives us, you will find yourself involved in pushing His global task toward completion.  To finish His journey means that at some point you move beyond the edge of the maps.

Our maps will change from season to season in our lives, but the compass is unchanging.  The compass is the same for all God's people.  It always gives the direction to True North no matter what your language, your country, your social status, your family or your ability.  It stands as a firm standard.  By marking out True North and giving us a compass, Christ enables us to think, pray, plan, coach, challenge, create, suffer and labor with many others.  It's not a solo pilgrimage.  He's summoned us to step into and help fulfill what believers of previous generations have already begun and what millions of fellow-followers are pursuing at this moment."

A good place to start on this compass is this:

"God loves His Son and has a wonderful plan for Him, to bring all the nations to His feet as Lord of all, and He loves you and me enough to give us a place in it."

What a wonderful God we serve!

My heart rejoices....

Do you ever have those moments when you are listening to a rather compelling speaker, but your heart is only mostly there and all of a sudden ZAP! an apparently random sentence said by the speaker lightening strikes it's way to the core of your heart and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God just spoke to you?  You enter a fog and can't really seem to hear anything else the speaker is saying, even though you know that it's really great stuff, because all you can think about is the impact you just felt from that one "passing comment".  When you come out of the fog, all you want to do is run and write pages upon pages of prayers to the Father as you process this one sentence.  (Well, maybe you'd rather have an audible conversation with Him, but my way of processing is writing words.) :)  

In case you haven't gathered this yet, my heart experienced this tonight and as the title of this post states, MY HEART REJOICES!!  During my Perspectives on the World Christian Movement class tonight, we had a really great, dynamic speaker.  He spoke on taking the gospel to the unreached people groups of the world and putting it in a context that they understand.  (For instance, you don't take all the churchy language like "propitiation for our sins" and things that even native English speakers probably wouldn't have any idea what you're talking about!) :)  But he also hit a few nerves with taking it even further.  They were nerves that I needed hit, honestly, but I was still only 90% listening.  I was loving every minute of what he said and took tons of notes, but what gave me the ZAP! moment, the sentence I feel God had prepared me to sit through this entire presentation to hear, came in the last 5 minutes of his talk.  He was reminding us of the spider story his wife had told a few weeks ago when she spoke to our class.  (Short version: His wife was DEATHLY afraid of spiders, couldn't stand them.  When they moved to Taiwan shortly after they were married, they lived in a hut.  She told us about putting up with the heat just fine and even the other creepy crawlies, but then one day she started having spiders in her house.  Eventually they were everywhere and she tells of a moment when she sat in the middle of her living room and nearly had an emotional breakdown.  At that point she had to decide which was more powerful.  Her fear or God?  Had God called her here?  Yes.  Did God have a plan in her being here? Yes.  Was God bigger than the spiders? Yes, but it would have helped to have a visual to help with this. :)  In the end she surrendered her fear of spiders to God and He in turn has used her, along with her husband, to reach countless for Christ all over the world!)  The comment John made about this story was this (my ZAP! moment): "If she (his wife) had surrendered to those fears, her life would have been limited by her fears instead of being opened wide where she got to experience the big, awesome plans God had for her!"  Now, I realize this may not give you the same ZAP! moment it gave me, but when I heard this it went to the very core of my being.  I was reminded of being faced with a very real fear I had nearly 8 years ago.  It was the summer before I left to do Journeyman in China.  It was actually the turning point in my decision to apply for Journeyman.  The smells, the words, the experiences of that moment all those years ago came flashing back to me (along with all of the confirmations that followed).  I remembered being stared fully in the face by my biggest fear: That God would call me to go overseas without a husband.  (I know this sounds as ridiculous to some of you as Jamie's fear of spiders, but just as real as that fear was to her, this fear was real to me.)  And in the midst of a week designed to reach high school students, God brought me, a college graduate, to a place where He asked me to lay down that fear and walk in faith that He would provide for all of my needs.  Including those I thought could only be met by a physical, real person companion.  As all of this was coming back to my mind, I began to realize that I have recently fallen back into that fear.  I have once again placed a limitation on God and my willingness to serve Him.  In more ways than one I've told Him that if He would provide a husband for me, I would then be able to serve Him wholeheartedly.  But that's just not true!  I'm like the shark at the Dr's office (another illustration John used tonight, trust me this will make sense :) ).  I look at my surroundings and I only grow as big as my current tank (with walls built out of my fears) will allow me.  But if you drop that same 6 inch shark, that stayed that size due to the constraints of the tank he was in, into the ocean, he grows to his full potential: 5-6 feet long!  Am I going to be a cute little 6" Christian?  Or am I ready to bust out of the boundaries that my fears hold me in and grow to my full potential?  My heart rejoices because I have once again been faced with my very ugly fear and I'm reminded that God has big awesome plans in mind for me!  Whether that includes or does not include a husband remains to be seen.  But I don't have to be afraid and wait for that chapter in my life to happen.  I should be achieving my full potential now!  

Lord, my heart rejoices that you have reminded me once again of my first love, You.  Father, may this week leading up to Easter be a time of remembering your great love and great sacrifice on behalf of not just me, but this entire world.  Burden my heart for those who don't already know You.  Especially those who haven't even had a chance to hear about You.  Guide my heart into prayers that will glorify You and teach me to exude Your glory and Your love on a minute-by-minute, second-by-second basis.  You have sacrificed much for me, how can I return any less than my life?

Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior

So, tonight as I was trying to find a sermon I had saved on my computer, I ran across a folder of music that I hadn't realized I had and on top of that, it wasn't incorporated into my iTunes!  So, I proceeded to add it and then listen to it.  It's an album of hymns done by Fernando Ortega.  I've missed good, uplifting hymns lately.  I love praise & worship, don't get me wrong, but there's something about singing something that is over 100 years old and is still just as applicable today.  Frances (Fanny) Crosby wrote some of my favorite hymns, All the Way My Savior Leads Me, Blessed Assurance, God Will Take Care of You and Rescue the Perishing.  She actually wrote nearly 8000 hymns/poems.  But somewhere in there lay this little gem that God blessed my heart with tonight.  It put into words what I've been trying to pray lately and yet did it so much more beautifully than I could have ever done.  (She definitely had a gift and I'm thankful she used it to the glory of her Heavenly Father!)  Lately I have deeply missed the international missions calling I feel God placed on my life almost exactly 12 years ago.  Not that the calling ever went away, but God has chosen to have that calling take a path different from the one I expected when I was 18.  It's hard to not ask and wonder what I have done wrong that I'm currently living in the states and not currently involved in some type of international ministry.  But the beauty of His path is been incredible!  I'm currently taking a class called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement and I'm so challenged by hearing what God is doing around the world and the people He has used in the past to accomplish His work.  I know God has me here for a time and He's preparing my heart for such a time that He is ready for me to move on, but in this time Fanny's hymn has captured the prayer of my heart.  Lord, do not pass me by.

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art smiling,
Do not pass me by. 

Refrain:
Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry,
While on others Thou are calling,
Do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy
Find a sweet relief;
Kneeling there in deep contrition,
Help my unbelief.

Trusting only in Thy merit,
Would I seek Thy face;
Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
Save me by Thy grace.

Thou the spring of all my comfort,
More than life to me,
Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
Whom in Heav’n but Thee.

Trust and obey....

I was reminded of this phrase tonight during a great chat I had with my roommate (Thank you Nat for being patient with me!!) :o)  Inevitably the hymn popped into my head and I began to think about the words.  At this late hour and with the late nights I've kept most of this weekend, it took me a tad longer to get past the "doth"s and poetic approach the hymn has, but I began to really see the words in a new light.  The first verse has a very simple line and yet we find it (well, I find it, I won't speak for the rest of you out there) :o) hard to follow sometimes.  "When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word..."  How often have I strayed from this?  How often have I told Christ, "Nah, I got this.  I don't need Your wisdom on the matter."?  How many days have I put aside my Bible for a TV show or a nap?  How many times have I used, "I'm just not good at memorizing" as an excuse to not memorize scripture?  To walk in the light of His Word requires that you first know His Word so you know where, how and when to walk.  The encouragement that follows, however, is worth the time.  "While we do His good will, He abides with us still...."  What a joy!! To know that He abides with us and has promised never to leave us.  There is nothing I can do and nothing the prince of this world can to do tear me away from Christ.  Once I'm His, I'm always His.  What joy and freedom can be found in that statement!  I'm never going to get it right all of the time.  I will make mistakes, but His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9).  A simple refrain, but what joy can be found in it! "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."  This is my prayer.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He show, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we'll walk by His side in teh way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Lord, let me prove the delights of Your love and help me lay all on the altar to You!

It's been one of those days....all week...

So, since Sunday I've been in somewhat of a funk.  I know some of the reasons (health related), but there doesn't seem to be one answer to explain the whole thing.  I feel like the whole week was somewhat summed up in my experience at Hastings tonight.  I was sitting in the Cafe area, waiting for Christine (dear one, I'm so thankful you were late to this meeting! God had some work to do. :o) )  Anyway, I was waiting for Christine with my coffee sitting on the table in front of me.  Somehow, and even to this moment I don't know how, I knocked the entire 16 oz. Americano all over the table and the floor.  It was like an explosion!  I didn't know coffee could fly so far! :o)  So, completely embarrased and slightly mortified, I begin cleaning up the table with napkins.  One of the cafe employees came over and, to his credit, made sure I was OK before he offered to help me clean it up.  I was thankful for the help, but at that point I almost would have rather have crawled under a rock or something. :o) I finished the table with the last of the napkins they had in their holder and he brought out a mop and cleaned the floor.  Once it was all clean, I sat down again at the table and the employee brought out a giant yellow Caution sign and placed it right next to my table.  (OK, it was probably really a normal sized one, but when something that bright is placed near you, just to bring even MORE attention to the fact that you just spilled your entire drink, it seems gargantuan!)  I laughed and said, "It's been one of those days...."  He smiled and laughed too.  As I sat there and thought through, I really feel that this whole experience has been a good representation of my week.  It has been one of those days.  I feel like there are giant yellow CAUTION signs blaring their way across so many things in my life and I feel like people can see them, even though I know better.  To make matters worse, I've treated some people as though they could see the CAUTION sign and instead of allowing them to get close, I've held them at arms length.  How many times will God have to give me a tangible lesson like this (how many more coffees will I need to spill?) before I get what He wants me to get?  Lord, help me learn this lesson.  This could get expensive (in more ways than one)!!

God's Perspective on the World....

Do you ever have a moment when you're smiling so big that you think your face just might fall off? :o)  Well, that was my evening.  I'm taking this class called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement and was pretty excited about taking it after all that I heard from others, but after tonight I'm am STOKED! (Yes, I did just use that word. :o) )  I'm still smiling from the experience I had tonight.  2.5 hours of listening to an 80 year old man speak on the topic of God's Kingdom and His view of the world was SO exciting!  Walt Baker was a missionary to Haiti for around 50 years!  He and his wife raised 4 children there and when he boiled down his entire ministry he said, "Just love people.  Don't try to supplement what people can't do, compliment what they can do."  Story after story of this man's life showed his obvious love for his Father in heaven and thus his consequential love for those around him.  He challenged us, as the church, to "look WAY beyond yourself!  Look to the world!"  I'm SO ready to look to the world!  I've lost that focus in my life and I'm aching to have it return.  Thanks to Walt, it has been brought once again to the forefront of my mind and I'd be on a plane tomorrow if I could be!

Isaiah 61:1-3
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  ~ My life verse(s) for the year....

Because I can't sleep...

Well, it's 1:00 in the morning and I still can't seem to get my mind to shut down.  About an hour ago I decided to start reading old journal entries in hopes that I would fall asleep from boredom. :o)  I guess I picked the wrong journal for that. 

Over the years I've kept journals and while I haven't been super diligent about it (as in writing every day no matter what happens) when big things happened, I journaled about them.  Well, I picked a journal at random and ended up reading about my time as a Journeyman.  How my life has changed since then!  There were aspects of life that I definitely had rose colored glasses about, but there are other aspects that I wish I had the same naive-ness about.  I read about some of the hardships that shaped who I am today and was encouraged to see incredible changes in my life that God brought about both through circumstances and just His incredible power.  However, I read hopes and dreams that I haven't thought about in a very long time.  I had BIG dreams then!  You know the "Use me to change the world Lord!" kind of dreams.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life overseas or at least going on short term trips.  I wanted to see people from the States gain an awesome understanding of how they could impact lives around the world through short term international mission trips and prayer.  I wanted to see the world come to Christ and glorify Him in every tribe and tongue!  I even decided I was going to marry a man I met while I was there because of the incredible Godly character he portrayed. :o)  (In my journal I wrote, "God, I would be willing to live in a forest and eat bugs if you would allow me to marry this man."  And for those of you who know me, you know that would be a sacrifice. :o) Well, I did end up eating bugs anyway, but that's another story for another time.)  But the excitement of knowing such an incredible man of God, one who had REALLY given up his life for the sake of Christ, who was not ashamed to stand up and be counted, who desired to see the world know Christ was attractive.  He was a spiritual leader in every sense of the word.  And tonight, I realized that I miss men like that.  I'm not saying they're not around, I know several of them, but when I look at all the men I know, how many of them are adventurers for Christ?  How many of them would give up their current situation to live in the jungles of Africa in a moment?  How many of them are willing to be the spiritual leader that women (not just their wives or future wives, but women in the church) need our men to be?  Where are these spiritual giants who aren't afraid to roar at the enemy?  To stand up for the poor and hurt?  To not be afraid of asking God for a godly wife and actually actively seek her out?  I'm not trying to be a man basher or anything here, I'm really not.  If I looked at the group of men I'm aquainted with, I could name several who are living their lives in incredible ways for the Lord.  But I'm sad to say that out of all the Christian men I know (or those who at least profess to be believers) I would have to say that less than half of these men have truly stepped up to the plate.  Have stepped into leadership because it is their calling from God.  Who have not allowed women to come in and take over everything because if they don't, no one else will do it.  Do you realize that somewhere around 75% of the single missionaries on the field right now are women?  That somewhere around 75% of leadership in our churches (both paid and lay leadership) is done by women?  I'm not complaining because these women are doing great things, but where are the men of God we need to rise up and walk with these women?  (And I don't mean just in a marriage sense here.)  What has happened to our society?  Women have stepped up too much and men have not enough.  I'm not saying women shouldn't hold leadership positions in the church or on the mission field and those of you who know me know I wouldn't say anything like that (I'd be contradicting my own life for goodness sake), but my hearts cry is for men to rise up.  To take the leadership that God intended for them to take and to run with it.  Be men who run hard after the Lord, be men who see life with God as an adventure.  Be men who are warriors for Christ.

I've lost contact with the man I was going to marry when I was in China. :o) He might be married to someone else now, who knows.  But in reading the things I wrote about him, I'm reminded of the things that drew me to him and what I wish I saw more often.  My heart's desire is to see more men rise up to the adventurous calling that is the life of Christ.  For men to come alongside some pretty incredible single women in our church and choose to live out that adventure side-by-side with them.  I look at our church and see women with incredible godly character and I'm praying that God will raise up men of faith that will change their lives and the way they see their Creator.  I'm excited to see how God chooses to answer my prayer.

Well, with that it's time to try to sleep again.  Maybe chatting about this will help me sleep, but probably it will just cause me to think more. :o)  Maybe I'll spend the time praying that God will re-light some of the fires in my heart that seem to have smoldered.  Until next time...

Are you scared God will say no?

I realized something tonight that I didn't know about myself.  If someone had asked me earlier today about something I had been praying, I would have answered, "Whatever God wills".  But I've realized something that comment has become in my life.  It's become a phrase that really means, "I'm setting myself up in expectation to hear a no and this gives me an out to not ask the question is God good."  I realize that the statement in and of itself is a good statement.  When we pray we should truly be asking for God's will in the situation.  But it came as a surprise in the midst of a conversation with a dear friend that I realized what it had become to me.  I've gotten to a point in my walk where I have heard so many no's or not now's from the Lord that I had begun to pray with the qualifier "but, whatever You will Lord".  I wasn't using it the way it was intended, it had become a "You're going to say no or not now anyway, so I'll place this here so I don't have to question your goodness".  I'm still processing all of this in my head and my heart, but I'm realizing that my prayer life has become dry and bland because I have not prayed with expectation.  Well, I've prayed with expectation, but it was an expectation that God would probably say no.  I'm such a brat!  God has given me so much and so many blessings and yet, I pout and don't expect great things when I pray for specifics in my life.  I expect great things for others, but not for my own walk. 

God is our Father who loves us and desires good things for us! (Thank you for the Psalm 103 reminder tonight Christine!)  He's not a God who sits on His throne and hands out no's all day, laughing.  He is a God who loves and many times is just waiting for us to ask Him for something.  He delights in our prayers.  He wants us to talk to Him, He wants to bless us and show us how incredible He truly is.  He wants us to pray with expectation.  And if He doesn't answer the exact way we ask, He will answer with something better (whether it looks better at the time or not).  My Father loves me and He has called me to step out in boldness with my prayers.  As I was praying about this fear and confessing it, I felt somewhat of a dare.  Now, God isn't one who stands in heaven and taunts us "I dare you to pray to me!"  But, at this point I felt like God was smiling and saying, "Emily, I dare you to pray big.  I double dog dare you to see what I will do with something you see as a huge prayer.  Watch me take it and make it beyond anything you could have imagined."  So, I have.  I've asked Him to move in one of two ways in my life in the next month.  And I'm trusting and waiting expectantly for Him to work.  This is a new way of praying for me.  I didn't end this prayer with "but, Your will be done".  Not because that sentiment is not at the heart of my prayers, but because of what the phrase has become to me.  I plan to keep that phrase out of my prayers until I have reconciled my heart to the Lord where I can truly say them with the true intent that they are meant to have.  I have a feeling that won't be long.  Until then, I will dream big, pray big and expect God to do big things.  I can't wait to see how He totally blows my imagination out of the water. :o)

He's not what He used to be to me.....

As I read today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest (posted at the end of my ramblings), I honestly have to say that I just sort of skated through it.  For some reason I just wasn't connecting today (woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as the saying goes).  But when I got to the end, for some reason, a single phrase stuck out.  "As I recall what God remembers about me, I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me."  And I began to think, is He still what He used to be to me? Do I still love Him they way I used to?  Do I still desire to spend time with Him the way I have in the past?  And I realize that recently I've come up short on this.  With everyone else that is happening in my life, I've allowed my first love to slip....and that hurts.  The best part though was the next sentence, "When this happens, I should allow the shame and humiliation it creates in my life, because it will bring godly sorrow, and "godly sorrow produces repentance . . ." (2 Corinthians 7:10)."  Godly sorrow and repentance.... those go together.  The sorrow is followed by repentance. I found my heart heavy, but the hope of Christ's forgiveness and love in spite of my decisions was SO comforting!  He knows that I will mess up, but He's still there, waiting for me to wake up and remember what He remembers about me.  Comforting thought. :o)

Am I as spontaneously kind to God as I used to be, or am I only expecting God to be kind to me? Does everything in my life fill His heart with gladness, or do I constantly complain because things don’t seem to be going my way? A person who has forgotten what God treasures will not be filled with joy. It is wonderful to remember that Jesus Christ has needs which we can meet— "Give Me a drink" (John 4:7). How much kindness have I shown Him in the past week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation?
God is saying to His people, "You are not in love with Me now, but I remember a time when you were." He says, "I remember . . . the love of your betrothal . . ." (Jeremiah 2:2). Am I as filled to overflowing with love for Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning, when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? Does He ever find me pondering the time when I cared only for Him? Is that where I am now, or have I chosen man’s wisdom over true love for Him? Am I so in love with Him that I take no thought for where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him?
As I recall what God remembers about me, I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me. When this happens, I should allow the shame and humiliation it creates in my life, because it will bring godly sorrow, and "godly sorrow produces repentance . . ." (2 Corinthians 7:10).

How Deep the Father's Love for Us...

In the midst of a rather boring day (I'm SO over being sick!), I was brought to the incredibly comforting and yet convicting words of this song.  I'm reminded of the beautiful love our heavenly Father has for us in that He would give His only Son, to die on a cross for us and pay the price of sin for us.  "His wounds have paid my ransom".  "Why should I gain from His reward?"  What have I done to deserve this?  Absolutely nothing, I've done the exact opposite.  I daily continue to do things that make me less and less worthy of His reward.  But, in the great love that the Father has for us, He chose to make a way, in spite of my sin. 

I Surrender All...

It's funny how life can take random turns sometimes.  Random in my eyes, but not in God's.  They're planned turns in His eyes.  Over the last couple of months, since my birthday, God has been doing some "growing up" work in my heart.  He's brought me, once again, full circle and I again stand amazed in His presence.  He is such an incredible God! 

There are many things that happened over the holidays that were huge blessings in my life, but the most recent blessings have happened over the last two days.  I was blessed to help out at the Life Impact conference and be surrounded by some incredible giants of the faith.  I was SO encouraged!  I found myself, once again, missing full-time ministry.  During one of the sessions, I watched as student after student stood showing the extent of the impact God has had on lives by one man who surrendered his life completely to our Father.  I was challenged to discipleship and had my heart broken for the lost in a way that I haven't experienced in awhile.  And I had an incredibly encouraging chat with a man named Fred.  In the span of a 15 minute conversation, this man quoted 25-30 verses completely from memory.  What a testimony!  He told me he would be praying that I would find a Godly man to marry (inserted a couple of verses here) and that he would love me second only to Christ (inserted a few more verses) and reminded me of the incredible love God has for me (more verses). :o)  I was blown away by the knowledge of scripture this man had committed to memory!  And the blessing I received from it!  Fred has a true love for people that is evident on his face when he's speaking with you.  I want Christ's light to shine through me like that.

Many emotions, thoughts and questions have gone through my head and my heart this weekend.  So many that I don't think I could write them all down here, even if I wanted to.  I was faced with a heartache I didn't think I could handle in person again and found God's peace, mercy and love on the other side.  I had desires renewed in my heart and others laid to rest, some very neatly and others rather painfully, but less painfully than I thought they would be.  As I walk into my 30's, my heart and life are a complete open canvas.  I'm ready for something that God has been preparing me for all through my 20s.  Now I wait in humble expectation.  I surrender all...