Are you scared God will say no?

I realized something tonight that I didn't know about myself.  If someone had asked me earlier today about something I had been praying, I would have answered, "Whatever God wills".  But I've realized something that comment has become in my life.  It's become a phrase that really means, "I'm setting myself up in expectation to hear a no and this gives me an out to not ask the question is God good."  I realize that the statement in and of itself is a good statement.  When we pray we should truly be asking for God's will in the situation.  But it came as a surprise in the midst of a conversation with a dear friend that I realized what it had become to me.  I've gotten to a point in my walk where I have heard so many no's or not now's from the Lord that I had begun to pray with the qualifier "but, whatever You will Lord".  I wasn't using it the way it was intended, it had become a "You're going to say no or not now anyway, so I'll place this here so I don't have to question your goodness".  I'm still processing all of this in my head and my heart, but I'm realizing that my prayer life has become dry and bland because I have not prayed with expectation.  Well, I've prayed with expectation, but it was an expectation that God would probably say no.  I'm such a brat!  God has given me so much and so many blessings and yet, I pout and don't expect great things when I pray for specifics in my life.  I expect great things for others, but not for my own walk. 

God is our Father who loves us and desires good things for us! (Thank you for the Psalm 103 reminder tonight Christine!)  He's not a God who sits on His throne and hands out no's all day, laughing.  He is a God who loves and many times is just waiting for us to ask Him for something.  He delights in our prayers.  He wants us to talk to Him, He wants to bless us and show us how incredible He truly is.  He wants us to pray with expectation.  And if He doesn't answer the exact way we ask, He will answer with something better (whether it looks better at the time or not).  My Father loves me and He has called me to step out in boldness with my prayers.  As I was praying about this fear and confessing it, I felt somewhat of a dare.  Now, God isn't one who stands in heaven and taunts us "I dare you to pray to me!"  But, at this point I felt like God was smiling and saying, "Emily, I dare you to pray big.  I double dog dare you to see what I will do with something you see as a huge prayer.  Watch me take it and make it beyond anything you could have imagined."  So, I have.  I've asked Him to move in one of two ways in my life in the next month.  And I'm trusting and waiting expectantly for Him to work.  This is a new way of praying for me.  I didn't end this prayer with "but, Your will be done".  Not because that sentiment is not at the heart of my prayers, but because of what the phrase has become to me.  I plan to keep that phrase out of my prayers until I have reconciled my heart to the Lord where I can truly say them with the true intent that they are meant to have.  I have a feeling that won't be long.  Until then, I will dream big, pray big and expect God to do big things.  I can't wait to see how He totally blows my imagination out of the water. :o)