My "White Funeral"

Last night I read the January 15th post in My Utmost for His Highest and stopped in my tracks.  Chambers was talking about a White Funeral and I immediately knew this was something I've been needing lately in my life.  He defines a White Funeral as "the burial of the old life....a death with only one resurrection-a resurrection into the life of Jesus Christ".  As I read the beginning I told myself, "You've done this, you've given your life to missions, to orphans, to discipling people.  You've done this." And then God got me. (He has an uncanny way of doing that sometimes.)  The very next sentence I read said this, "You must agree with God and stop being the intensely striving kind of Christian you have been.  We avoid the cemetery and continually refuse our own death.  It will not happen by striving, but by yielding to death."  Am I a Christian? Absolutely!  Am I questioning that here? Absolutely not!  But have I had this definable moment when I have "come to my last days"?  A day that I can mark as my last day?  I love what Oswald says next, and as a result of this, I will always mark January 15th as my White Funeral.

"Is there a place in your life to which you go back in memory with humility and overwhelming gratitude, so that you can honestly proclaim, 'Yes, it was then, at my 'white funeral', that I made an agreement with God.'.....Once you truly realize this is God's will, you will enter into the process of sanctification as a natural response.  Are you willing to experience that 'white funeral' now?  Will you agree with Him that this is your last day on earth?  The moment of agreement depends on you." ~ Oswald Chambers

Thinking Dangerous Thoughts...

Tonight I find myself surrounded by questions.  Questions that I "should" know the answer to and yet I feel there is something out there, just barely out of reach.  Today I've spent a good portion of my day talking to people who are just starting to scratch the surface of what it means to be involved in the orphan crisis around the world.  Some of them are still asleep, but God will awaken their hearts when it is time.  Others are starting to awaken and are looking for direction on what to do with that.  And all of a sudden, I've become "responsible" to walk alongside them for whatever period God has for us and help them discover God's heart for the orphan and their role in becoming an advocate.  This has been my job and ultimately my passion for the last year, but for some reason today it weighs heavier on my heart and my mind than it ever has before.  I'm responsible.

Now, I want to flesh out this "responsible" thing here a little.  I'm not saying that if I don't do this, God won't still work in these people's lives.  I'm not saying that I'm required for God's heart for the orphan to be spoken, even shouted, from the rooftops.  He doesn't need me.  But He has chosen me and He loves me enough to use me in His plans.  And that is where the responsibility comes in.  What I say to these people, what I do with my life, even how I do the behind the scenes portion of my ministry is all under the scrutiny of God's higher calling.  He's called me to disciple people in their walk for a season. This is a BEAUTIFUL and DAUNTING responsibility. 

So I find myself asking the question, does my life live up to this responsibility?  Am I adequately preparing myself?  Am I seeking daily, even hourly, what God would have me share with these people?  I'm beginning to realize that I've failed deeply in some areas with this.  And then only failed in a minor way in other areas. :)  I'm being called deeper and I don't really know what to do with that.  Where to take it, what that means, what do I do?  Except to once again lay it at the feet of the Lord and ask Him to help me.

Something big is coming up.........I'm praying He will give me eyes to see it.